is there a hole in your heart? or am i mistaken..

2010-06-18T01:43:00.000-07:00

god literally hates my guts.
he woke up on monday and decided to start throwing me curve balls.
today, was awful literally the worst day ive had in oh i don't know years.
and then what happens, get out of the shower go to hop into bed, and the god forsaken dog has pissed in my bed again. this is absolutely insane.
how could this possibly happen again.
why do i have to keep putting up with this shit.
go ahead world shit on me.
its cool, im almost used to it by now....

and to top it all of regardless of all this space and distance you are receiving you still have yet to do something worth holding on to.

2010-05-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

I HOPE YOU GROW UP.

"my heart is speeding up and slowing down, im always on the go, and now im sick as hell. i think im losing control."

2010-04-19T19:22:00.001-07:00

like fireworks over the interstate, you were my north star when you were far away.
smoking cigarettes looking for a feeling i used to get way back, re-reading messages and lost voicemails, trying to awake myself from this coma state. trying to reconnect with you and me, all lost in the phonelines and in words with no meaning, with no substance, say all you can to break her down, it hasnt been the first of the last time. thinking about escaping to a place where god actually answers your questions. a place where things can make sense without using the words love. i need a reason to keep going.

2010-04-17T22:32:00.001-07:00

"young girls believe in counter parts, its just the story a broken heart."

2010-04-08T23:04:00.000-07:00

most days i used to sleep in, now i wake up early and think about how lucky i am.
at this exact moment i have nothing to say, but i felt the need to say something. so here i am, and its all starting to get a little better.

2009-04-17T23:27:00.001-07:00

Goals of 09 still failing, as always we are restarting it :no more smoking, no more swearing, more working out more reading. Ready set go night world.
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2009-04-11T19:13:00.001-07:00

I love this weather.
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the return

2009-04-08T10:35:00.001-07:00

watching the boys kill zombies on the xbox. oh geez, waking up early before you even have to, i guess its just all part of the new routine.

2009-03-21T19:19:00.001-07:00

I feel like a washed up piece of something I used to be, when you walk along the shore just finding pieces, of things you'll never truly understand. That's how I feel, like a puzzle you'll always just be one piece too short.

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2009-03-20T00:22:00.001-07:00

Test, If this is a test I'm loosing my shit!
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2009-03-20T00:11:00.001-07:00

well jesus, its been a while....

2008-03-06T06:15:00.000-08:00

its my birthday, <3.

the idea of a blank canvas

2008-03-02T20:32:00.000-08:00

you know i would never call you out on it, i would never suggest that your stupidity is something to mock at, but it is. today james said well whats the problem with having a blank canvas for a boyfriend? and i laughed, because i always swore id neve date a boy who had less tattoos then me, i know ridculous. the point of a canvas is to fill it, to play with it, to turn it into some sort of art work. something to leave behind, so way to signify your mark, to mark the points in your life, to have these scars, these war stories on display, for people to judge you to ask questions youll never answer, like oh whats that mean? well fuck you. it means this is me. i refuse to be your fucking half painted canvas, i wont skip out on the idea of being half sleeved, or full sleeved one day, im not the kinda of girl who can just be blank, there is not an ounce in my body of fluid that isnt worth describing on my flesh. you got this skin to use it. give me your stories. give me your love. give me your hate, its all protrayed somewhere, and you know what, yeah i will be your dictionary. the thing about you and me, is when i die its burning with me. these loves, these ideas of being more than you. this is me. and my fucking inked glory.

its cold

2007-10-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

its cold the way that nothing can get you warm, how you stand outfront and breathe in all the smog and smoke and dust, and you still cant see the sun. the way that people just look in mirrors not through them. if we are all just reflections of reflections are you the one, or the copy. am i yours or mine? am i worth this bad coffee taste. these are the days that are niehter ending nor slowing and in a way, i miss you and in another way i hate you.

to love. and to be loved

2007-09-17T01:09:00.000-07:00

lets not shit ourselves here. these things we thin kthere are not an orginal feeling, in some aspects most of your love will be marketed by hallmark. if i was card i would just read disarming.
the end.

the start of the story

2007-07-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

writers block...
the dream of last night is all about a small town.
how small towns can kill you, how even this whole state is a small town. its a fish bowl.

forever and today got lost somewhere amongst yesterday

2007-07-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

i need something that is real something to hold on to, i want this to have been more than just another pointless weekend, in a way i now it was not and i know the way your heart starts to slump. and i know she isnt making you happy. and i know alot less than i think i do and a lot more than you. i just dont know anymore

2007-07-14T11:13:00.001-07:00

you set me up to leave me.

everthinkitsjustbeentoo long

2007-07-06T18:52:00.000-07:00

since ive seen your pretty little face.
since you said i love you and meant it.
since the bed didnt feel cold on one side.
but what do i know about love?

nothing is as true as you

2007-06-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

truth you say you want the truth but we all know damn well you cant fucking handle it, these are all the words i never said, cause i got to scared but i sent them to you and you chickend out and had absolutely nothing to say, its hard to say i dont blame you becasue if someone knew what i knew and it was about me id deny it all or say nothing, its hard being all figured out huh?
no more drama. this is the last of it, sereving my ties with all the shit that used to drown us.
its all just gonna be how it is, i dont care if you hate me i dont care what you think, im standing on my own two feet <3

bad smiles and real laughs, vs fake smiles and haha

2007-05-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

smiles and wishes on eyelashes. late nights turned ealry mornings.
i flat out tell you, i dont want this,
i dont want you.
yet your relentless like its no big deal.
like the fact that im tottally not interested is nothing to worry about all.
that you want something so badly and youll never get it, but its no big deal sweerheart

im too far down the road i was scared to go.

2007-04-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

my breathing has gotten harder the way you used to make me lose my breath,
only now its followed with a fever and dizzy spells, and some nauease. its just like being in love but with more antidotes. i got cough syrups and pills for all this heavy head congestion. but none of it is making my head and my heart feel any better off.

somenights

2007-04-28T00:41:00.000-07:00

i am quite possibly going deaf in one ear. it hurts, ah.
fall asleep alone again tonight, i make this bed but i cant fall asleep in it.

heaven was jealous to merely look fair

2007-04-22T01:13:00.000-07:00

by this time my heart and my head are aligned,its easy enough to say that its over and walk away like it never happened. to close the door on months. months spent waiting. im tired of waiting. im tired of being your rainy day.. i feel strange like ive lost something, but i couldnt tell you what, i like how close yet far apart we've become. i love your ideas. i wont wait for you.. but ill wait for him. does that make you jealous? or is it just that you like the idea of having me for all your rainy days? please explain the feelings you have these are mine: hes got this smile that gives me butterflies, almost in a bad way. you are the reason sleep rarely comes. i feel worn out and run down. i feel like i am in a cage. but its as if i put my self here to save me from me. its hard to think that this is all just me maybe protecting my heart from you. im rebuilding the walls, and i swear i wont let you get through this time.

paid programming and commericals.

2007-04-16T03:51:00.001-07:00

late night blues, everything always has a blue tint this late at night.
or this early in the morning
i wanna be marketed like an infomerical. something you truly think you need for about two to six days and then you just get stored away, maybe i lied i dont want tobe something youll just toss out.
i want to be the thought in the back of your head and that last glimpse in your eyelids before you fall asleep.
sleep to dream.

if only i could find sleep.
jay z is on tv.. and it says its educational.

everything is tied to you its almost always directly but i realize that they say that each person is seven degrees away from every person on this planet, so maybe its all just a matter of seperation with us, you are my seven degrees. ill be the seperate. i wonder if we wait it out long enough and ignore the voicemails we will just dissolve all together, we will be the seperation. it scares me yet at the same time it seems logical and sound. almost the safebet, im betting im not... sleeplessness is hitting an all time high.
i know none of this will make any sense whatsoever come tomorrow. or the next day..

sleepless dreams become me

2007-04-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

im tired like homestrech tired, the i know i made it i just cant get there tired.
i cant breath, like ive been breathing in smog all day.
my lungs feel heavy the way you used to make me feel.
stutter out the words and try to make the feel right anybody can be you if i close my eyes hard enough.

just like a bat beneath the moonlight

2007-04-12T02:17:00.000-07:00

there are occasionally people that walk into you it life, that from that very second you are hoping that said person never leaves, that they will be stuck with you forever.
this is how it goes with most my friends. its like we built the standard. we built the idea and now your trying to grasp it.
reguardless its all just a matter of affection. we are all a loving group in a very non loving way. and i love my friends.

meaning of the car crash heart

2007-04-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

Sunset Reds.
Skyline Eyes.
15 Mph Hands.
Left Lane Ends Merge Right Heart.
Find The Map.

we are a good thing, she is a bad thing..

2007-04-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

so it goes.